RULES TO LIVE BY: The Wedding Edition

1.  YOU SHOULD NEVER start a relationship off in a subservient position. SO ENOUGH of that “ON ONE KNEE” crap – Understand?! – That’s just ASININE – DONE!

2.  NEVER present the ring in a box when you propose.  It’s as if you are saying, “Umm, Ummm is this OK – Ummmm Do you like it – Ummm I can take it back?!” – Ummm Ummm!??? WIMP ASS MotherF@$%&KER –  Take the God Damn ring OUT of the box and place it on the finger like a MAN!! – (OH! – OR WOMAN as the case may be!!) – DONE!

3.  WHY the HELL are people worrying about where they should seat people.  WTF is the matter with you!  You’re worrying about seat placements and all that palaver.  F-That.  Look, it’s your God Damn wedding – if they can’t get along or don’t want to sit next to some stupid cousin or some so and so they probably slept with years ago and now are either embarrassed or hate them – what have you – YOU CAN GET THE F- OUT – No one cares if you are there or not…  For REAL!!  – Just bring on the presents! –  DONE!

4.  WTH! – Aren’t YOU the one wearing the dress? Hmmm?  HMMM? What the F@%^ do you care if your Mother likes it or even your Father?  Unfortunately, I have been watching  – one of my guilty pleasures – that I think I will have to go to AA for – “Say Yes To The Dress,” and THESE PEOPLE ARE INSANE!  This – THIS is what you stress about?  REALLY?  And NO – I DO NOT CARE if they ARE paying for it.  First of all, your mother probably couldn’t fit her ass in the dress anyway – so she can shut up!  And is SHE walking down the aisle  – Hmm?  Hmmm? or MAYBE, just maybe she is secretly in love with your husband-to-be  and is picturing herself in the dress walking down the aisle (OOOOOO – you know -you might need to address that.) Otherwise – UMMMM, I think NOT!  Tell Mummy and Daddy dearest – to just give you CONSTRUCTIVE criticism if they have to say anything at all – like – “I think your ass looked much bigger and better in the other one” or  “Now THAT is what I call cleavage” or “I like this one on you, as it covers your back fat nicely!”  otherwise – shut the F-up – and CUT THE CHECK – DONE!

5. DO NOT – I repeat, do NOT make your bridesmaids wear ridiculous dresses or other nonsense clothing.  Take heed as in approximately 3.5 years after your wedding. They will start to have flashbacks, and unless they have gotten some sort of help or counseling in the interim – they will show up at your job or event or home or what have you –  with a knife, gun, or some other new fashionable terrorist item AND KILL YOU where you stand…  or sit.  By the way, I am working on a theory – I do believe this is how terrorism got started – DONE!

6. WHY oh WHY are you wasting time with some ridiculous Mother F@%$*% Vows.  Your ass knows as well as I do – you BOTH WON’T be keeping them. No matter what they are! Capice! I mean, Please…”Till Death Do Us Part” Really?  REALLY? Think about that for a minute or two – NO REALLY THINK ABOUT THAT!!  And the vows that usually women want to make up and have their “Men” make up as well (Yes, that was in quotes) because “Men” (again in quotes) YOU are NOT – if you give in to that nonsense.  Just DON’T DO IT.  All you need is the “Do you take so and so etc. etc. and all the legal shit – but THAT’S IT!  OHH – OHHH – OHHHH – and the “I now pronounce you Man and Wife” Oh dear – PLEASE PLEASE do NOT let the person officiating make that mistake – because if I am there – I will LAUGH MY ASS OFF – when you realize later – after watching the what seems to be the obligatory video of the wedding – the syntax of that phrase. (By the way – Don’t start me on that one – NO ONE wants to see pictures of your vacation, baby pictures, pictures of your children, dogs, cats, vacation pictures OR YOUR WEDDING VIDEOS)  – SO when – Steve Harvey made that unfortunate “syntax” mistake or “sexist faux pas” – on his “memorable moments show” where he married over 30+ couples in his audience – I had to DVR rewind back to make sure I heard that correctly – AS He knew NOT what he said (as usual) – Well… no surprise there (Tee Hee!)